News

BREAKING: Prince Andrew Stripped Of Military Titles!

Buckingham Palace have announced today that the Prince of York has lost his military titles and patronages, all being sent back to the Queen.

This comes after the news yesterday that the civil case against him will continue in the US. The case is over claims he sexually assaulted a 17 year old which he has consistently denied.

Hi alleged victim is Virginia Giuffre’s. It will now likely be moved to a settlement offer, but it has been stated today by her Lawyer that money is not the objective here.

The stripping of patronages essentially means that he will not be referred to as ‘His Royal Highness’ in any formal capacity.

I bet he is sweating now!

Earlier today…

BREAKING NEWS: Covid Isolation Period Cut To 5 Days

The Heath Secretary, Sajid Javid, has announced that the length of time people who have tested positive for Covid-19 must isolate for is being cut to five full days in England from Monday 17th January.

The current guidelines rule that people who test positive for Covid must self-isolate for at least seven days and may leave isolation after this time providing they return two negative lateral flow tests on days six and seven.

Now, as of Monday, those with two negative tests can leave isolation at the beginning of day six, with five full days of isolation.

MPs have welcomed the news, with ministers explaining that cutting the isolation period eases pressure on staff in important sectors, like the NHS, transport and education.

Javid says the change aims to “maximise activity in the economy and education” but also significantly minimises the risk of infection from those exiting isolation.

He explained that data from the UK Health Security Agency reveals around two-thirds of positive cases are no longer infectious by end of day five, explaining his decision as carefully worked out.

Earlier this week…

A sensational e-mail was leaked tonight proving that over 100 of Boris’ staff were invited to a ‘bring your own booze’ drinks party in the midst of the first national lockdown.

The message suggested they should “make the most of the lovely weather” – despite the rest of the country being barred from meeting more than one person outdoors.

Witnesses said about 40 staff attended on 20 May 2020, including Boris Johnson and his wife Carrie – and there were long tables laden with drink, crisps, sausage rolls and other picnic food.

Outdoor gatherings were banned in England at the time under Covid rules.

Boris’ Principal Private Secretary Martin Reynolds has faced calls to resign after the e-mail was revealed by ITV News.

Various sources are indicating Sue Gray – who is leading the investigation – will have to interview the Prime Minister himself, as he was said to have been present at four of the events she is looking into.

The e-mail is the first piece of evidence of the party, first revealed by ex-No 10 aide Dominic Cummings on Friday.

In the email marked ‘official sensitive, No10 only’, Mr Reynolds wrote:

“Hi all, after what has been an incredibly busy period it would be nice to make the most of the lovely weather and have some socially distanced drinks in the No10 garden this evening.

“Please join us from 6pm and bring your own booze!”

Just 55 minutes prior to the gathering, Cabinet Minister Oliver Dowden instructed the public at the daily No 10 briefing to stick to meeting in pairs outdoors despite the good weather.

Earlier this week…

BombshellCovid Data Emerges Casting Doubt Over Boris Plans

Brits have been relieved over Christmas, as so far no lockdowns have been announced and politicians have been pursuing a positive tone with the public. However, today we can reveal that government ministers are privately concerned about data which has so far been obscured from the public eye.

Leaked minutes from SAGE meetings have shown a devastating impact model, which despite Omicron proving less deadly than other variants, the sheer volume of cases could lead to SIX-THOUSAND deaths per day during the expected peak in early 2022. Now, fresh data has emerged since Christmas which has threatened to corroborate this model’s accuracy.

Although some studies have shown the latest variant to be less likely to result in severe illness or death, the issue that faces us is threefold:

  1. Better medical care may be keeping patients alive for longer therefore increasing need for hospital beds
  2. Current volumes of cases will cause a greater number of hospitalisations even if it’s less deadly than other waves
  3. Tens of thousands of NHS staff have COVID, which is wreaking havoc on hospital rotas

The culmination of these factors has been further hit by fresh data, which shows that hospitalisations due to COVID are up as much as FIFTY PERCENT since Christmas, and nobody is really prepared for what could be about to hit our healthcare system.

To date, Boris has kept a cautious but optimistic tone, but there is speculation that his hands are tied due to the loss of control he has experienced over his own party. Further restrictions now, even if necessary, would almost certainly lead to a fatal revolt on his leadership. Many have pondered whether Boris would risk public health to save his own political career.

Looking at the current data, it might be wise to put the New Year’s champagne on hold. We are still in the middle of a pandemic, and there is no precedent for what could happen next….

15th December…

The UK has just now reported the record daily number of cases for Covid-19. This is the biggest number to be recorded daily since the beginning of the pandemic. With 78,610 new cases being reported on Wednesday.

The previous record was just 68,053, earlier this year on the 8th of January. The new record is recorded just days after fears of the spread of the Omicron variant and Boris Johnson encouraging the nation to get the booster as quickly as possible.

Prime Minister Johnson is due to hold a press conference 5pm today to address the nation amid fears.

Earlier this week…

Carrie & Boris have announced the birth of a healthy baby girl.

In a tumultuous week for Boris, finally he has something to be happy about!

A spokesperson for the couple said:

“The prime minister and Mrs Johnson are delighted to announce the birth of a healthy baby girl at a London hospital earlier today.

“Both mother and daughter are doing very well. The couple would like to thank the brilliant NHS maternity team for all their care and support.”

Boris has 4 children with his ex-wife Marina Wheeler, another child as a result of an affair with Helen Macintyre in 2009 and now two children with his current wife.

The couple got married in May and their first child Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas Johnson was born at the end of April 2020.

The birth was weeks after he was intensive care with COVID-19.

Check out these 20 things you didn’t know about Boris

My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.”

You might love him, you might hate him…but there’s no denying that our Boris – our PM – makes for good entertainment.

If he’s not attempting to sort out Brexit, he’s usually busy making a complete t*t of himself and our beloved country…you’ve got to laugh, to avoid the alternative: inevitable wailing.

The blonde-haired buffoon’s been the butt of a lot of jokes over the years, but how well do we really know ‘BoJo’?

Here are a few facts about Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson…

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson…

WARNING: If you are easily offended, then we suggest averting your eyes for the foreseeable…

He once lied about being arrested…

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It’s quite a well-known fact that Boris and – ex-Prime Minister – David Cameron studied at college and university together.

A less known fact, however, is that the pair were quite mischievous, getting into trouble in and outside of school.

What actually happened?

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Boris claimed he was arrested and spent a night in a cell after one of the members of Oxford University society threw a flowerpot through a restaurant window in 1987.

However, in 2010, it was revealed, both he and David Cameron had escaped before the police arrived.

One former ‘Buller’ member said: “I never knew Boris could run so fast.”

He enjoys his holidays to the full…

We all remember the London Riots of 2011, don’t we…well, whilst everything was going to sh*t over here…

He wasn’t much more use when he came home anyway, or did we miss something?

Boris was enjoying a holiday in Canada. Incidentally, it took him three whole days to return from his holiday, apparently ‘he came as fast as he could’.

He’s got something against the EU…

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So, this might not come as much of a surprise to you…but my question is, why does he have something against the EU?

According to his successor Martin Fletcher:

“He seized his chance to denigrate the EU, filing stories that were undoubtedly colourful but also completely untrue.”

It all started when he worked for the Daily Telegraph, Brussels as a correspondent in 1989.

Hmmm, Boris…lying…again? Surely not…

Irony…

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As we all know, Boris Johnson was our foreign secretary for three years (you may be wondering – how?).

But what you might not have known is Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson is an anagram of “Irony! Rash Snob Forges Rejection”.

Big spender…

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Boris comes from a middle-upper class, wealthy British family (yes, he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth)…money wasn’t really an object for young Boris.

Spend thrift…

The tailcoat he wore in the famous photo of he and David Cameron in the Bullingdon Club uniform cost him £1,200.

What did young Boris want to be when he was older?…

When asked in school what you wanted to be when you were older…what was your reply? A footballer? An astronaut? A singer?

When Boris was asked what he would like to be when he grew up, he replied:

“The world king.”

– It’s safe to say he didn’t accomplish his dreams.

Boris and David…

Two years older than his fellow Etonian and Bullingdon Club member, Boris often calls David ‘Cameron Minor’.

The Bullingdon Club is an exclusive all-male dining club for Oxford University undergraduates – George Osbourne and Nick Hurd were also part of the club.

Not many people trust him…

Johnson’s former Telegraph editor, Max Hastings, wrote:

“I would not trust him with my wife nor – from painful experience – my wallet.

Would you trust him?

“It is hard to believe that a man so conspicuously incapable of controlling his own libido is fit to be trusted with controlling the country.”

Johnson and the Petronella Wyatt scandal…

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Between 1999 and 2008, Boris worked as the editor of The Spectator, where he regularly irritated colleagues who became annoyed that he regularly missed work.

One of his first acts there, was to reduce deputy editor Petronella Wyatt’s salary, before embarking on an affair with her.

Boris the ladies man…

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Petronella claimed Boris was a ‘loner’ who once moaned that “men shouldn’t be confined to one woman”

Proud of his Turkish ancestry, ‘Petsy’ claimed his “views on matters such as monogamy are decidedly Eastern”.

Boris and his libido…

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During their illicit affair, the author claims the MP said:

“I find it genuinely unreasonable that men should be confined to one woman.”

The politician who thinks with his pants & not his head…

She said the following:

“Like many loners, he has a compensating need to be liked.”

How was this affair revealed?…

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During the four-year affair with Petronella, she fell pregnant with his child and had an abortion.

Petronella’s mother found out about the affair and abortion…and what did she do? Reported it to the press, of course.

Boris the cheeky little minx…

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After their four-year affair was discovered by the press, Petronella revealed some personal details about their affair…

One of them being that Boris enjoyed wearing a bandana with a skull and cross bone on it – whilst in the bedroom…

Boris the passive, people-pleasing politician…

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Wyatt also added Boris would do “anything to avoid an argument” – resulting in him lying to loved ones.

Boris…lying AGAIN?! No…surely not…

Despite being a bit of a ladies man, Wyatt claims Boris isn’t vain and “regards himself as rather ugly”, relying on his charm to seduce women.

Boris on the opposite sex…

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On why female graduates are responsible for the rising house prices:

“The colossal expansion in the numbers of female graduates is in many ways a marvellous thing…

“But it has boosted the well-documented process of assortative mating, by which middle-class graduates marry middle-class graduates…

Maybe Boris would do better to keep his ridiculous ideas to himself…

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“And thereby entrench their economic advantages, pooling their graduate incomes to push up house prices and increase the barriers to entry for the rest.”

And just when you thought he couldn’t be a worse example of elitist, boys’ club-belonging stereotype, he went and said this…

Just to add the cherry on top of the cake…

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When asked why women have had the audacity to take it upon themselves and go to university:

‘They’ve got to find men to marry’.

Oh Boris…you’re such a clown, you’re a funny guy…

He may be posh, but he’s funny…right? He’s a harmless buffoon…right? Well no, not if you’re working class, part of an ethnic minority, a woman or an animal lover…

Boris on hunting…

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“I remember the guts streaming, and the stag turds spilling out onto the grass from within the ventral cavity…

Then they cut out the heart and gave it to my six-year-old brother, still beating…”

Turns out he doesn’t care too much for animals either…

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He claimed that afterwards, he went home singing ‘We’ve got the heart!… hunting is best for the deer.”

So if you ever meet Boris and you want to rile him up a little, just tell him you’re an animal-loving, university going, female…that’ll really set him off.

What more could you expect from BoJo…

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“I got wild with anger not so long ago because I thought our cat had been mauled by a fox. I wanted to go out with my 2.2 and blaze away.”

Watching an animal be teared apart is just a bit of harmless fun, isn’t it?…

“This will cause massive unpopularity and I don’t care. I’m pro liberty and individual freedom. If people want to get together to form the fox hounds of Islington I’m all for it”

He wasn’t actually born in the UK…

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Isn’t it ironic how someone who wasn’t actually born in this country can make so many racist comments about foreigners in this country…

The big BJ was actually born in America and gained American citizenship in 2016 – I suppose it was just another way to get closer to the Cheeto-in-Chief, Donald Trump himself.

His real name…

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As you’ve probably guessed, Boris’ real name isn’t actually Boris. It is in fact …

Alexander Boris de Pfellel Johnson. According to the BBC, his close friends and family call him Al.

Boris went deaf as a child….

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A very quiet and placid child, (what on earth happened?) Boris spent a lot of his time reading…

Poor little Boris…

However, at the age of around 8 or 9, he went deaf and had to have grommets in his ears.

Boris Johnson = bad driver…

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When Boris appeared on hit TV show ‘Top Gear’, his lap around the race track was – to put it kindly – slow.

So slow in fact, Jeremy Clarkson couldn’t stop himself from laughing when he watched the re-run.

“Lefty T*ssers”…

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I’m sure wherever he goes in the country, he’s met by some strong Anti-Tory supporters, who hurl verbal abuse at him…

This one particular day, Boris was met by a bunch of ‘Tory haters’ in Bristol…

Just look at him go…

Potty mouth…

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He laughed them off, but it all got a bit too much, so he shouted back at them:

“Lefty t*ssers…”

Good one Boris…hitting them where it hurts I see…

“F*ck off…”

It wasn’t long before this incident that Boris was filmed telling a taxi driver to “f*ck off and die” – how pleasant.

Could you drink Boris under the table?

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Some of us are good at academic subjects, like English and Maths, some of us are good at more creative things like Art…

And others (not naming any names) are good at blagging their way through life, doing the bare minimum and taking the complete p*ss out of the country…

What’s a beer…or 5 on your lunch break…

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On a number of occasions, Boris has boasted he can “drink an awful lot at lunchtime” and still do his work efficiently…

Some people will beg to differ…

I mean, we all want a politician to be half cut when he’s making important decisions, don’t we..?

Boris and his bong.

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On a Room 101 interview, Boris admitted to smoking weed, whilst puffing on a cigar and wearing a fez…

He started at a young age…

Boris also confessed in an interview to taking coke and smoking drugs as a young teenager.

Cocaine or Icing sugar? What was it Boris?

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When asked by Street-Porter about his previously jokey references to cocaine use, Johnson replied:

“Well, that was when I was 19…

…It all goes to show that sometimes it’s better not to say anything. I thoroughly disagree with drugs. I don’t want my kids having drugs.”

Boris’ grandfather…

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Sir James Fawcett, Boris’ maternal grandfather, was a member of the European Commision for Human Rights for 22 years.

Boris believes he’s adopted his grandfather’s deep belief in free speech, the right to equal citizenship without racial discrimination and the democratic rights of the ordinary man. Hmmmm…

Boris the basketballer…

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In some mad twist of fate, this clown was asked to help promote the NBA and basketball as a sport in London…

Britains answer to Michael Jordan…

As per, he did it in his own special way…just look at him go.

Need I say any more? 

Boris the tennis player…

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Forget Andy Murray, forget Serena Williams and forget Roger Federer…JOKES. However, Boris gave tennis a good go at Wimbledon a few years back…

He looked the part, taking over Andy Murray with his facial expressions – his weird noises on the court could also give Sharapova a run for her money…

Boris is a beast with balls…

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Both football and rugby get Boris charged up…to say the least. During the “friendly” charity football game between England and Germany (if that can ever be friendly…)

Boris charged like a bull in a china shop across the pitch…(surprising us all with his speed and agility – HAHAHAHAHAHA)

Run Boris Run…

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He took the ball taking down everyone in his path and was undoubtedly the crowds favourite…

Look at him go…

Arguably Boris’ best tackle was when he played rugby…against 7-year-olds…hopefully, that little kid got up and brushed it off.

Don’t anger the Boris…

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A strange and cryptic entry in Cherwell, the Oxford student newspaper, hints that Boris has a bit of an aggressive nature.

It reads:

“Drama! Action! Excitement! The Union last Thursday. Boris Johnson, librarian, angered by the jokes of Graham Davies…

Don’t get on the wrong side of him…

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Davies, ex President of the Cambridge Union, enjoying the company of Emma Henkings. Boris approaching Graham, screwdriver in hand…

Glazed fear in Davies’ eyes as he grips his glass. ‘Sorry,’ mutters Johnson. ‘This is all very silly.”

Cher really isn’t a fan of Boris…

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When it comes to social media, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of Cher…

Cher – “UK HAS“SPECIAL PLACE IN MY”?”.LIVED THERE 2X’s IN MY LIFE & LOVE BRITS.. HOWEVER…BORIS & NIGEL ARE DEFINITE T*SSERS”

When asked what she thought of Johnson, her reply was pretty bloomin’ hilarious. Go Cher!

Baby Boris…

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Boris often finds himself as the butt of a lot of jokes…some about his appearance.

A lot of people like to compare him to Donald Trump (their hair is pretty similar), it turns out Boris was born with that big mop of blonde hair. Somethings never change I suppose.

No silver spoon upbringing…apparently…

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According to reports, Boris and his siblings weren’t brought up living a pampered, mollycoddled lifestyle.

In fact, it was quite the opposite – which makes it even more difficult to understand some of his elitist views on society.

Equality isn’t possible according the Boris…

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‘I don’t believe that economic equality is possible; indeed some measure of inequality is essential for the spirit of envy…

Boris on inequality…

And keeping up with the Joneses that is, like greed, a valuable spur to economic activity.’

He’s a keen painter…

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Not only is Boris a bit of an egghead…he also has quite an artistic side.

When he’s looking to unwind, Boris paints – often painting miniatures on the lids of cheese boxes.

Who does he admire most?

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“Aristotle, Marilyn Monroe and Scarlett Johansson– in fact, I think she might have overtaken Marilyn Monroe – and my wife, of course…

My wife is way ahead of Aristotle. She’s beaten him in the final furlong …”

What’s his proudest moment?

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Boris replied:

“In the past three years, I’m proudest of bringing crime down in London…”

Boris the Great…

… On public transport, crime is down by 46 per cent since I became mayor”

His greatest regret…

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“I regret not really cudgelling myself through the piano. I could have been a contender.”

I only got to Grade 1 and that was after I failed once.”

Not cheating on your wife Boris? No?

His guilty pleasures…

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“There’s mudlarking. I picked up a sheep’s jaw, a pig’s rib, a piece of an ancient pot and a Victorian pipe while mudlarking [along the Thames]…

People don’t know what treasures are being washed up on the banks of that great river every day…

He’s a man who’s not scared of getting his hands dirty…

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A historic bounty is running right through this great city and if I wasn’t busy running it I’d be down there with those mudlarks right now.”

His biggest fear…

When asked what his greatest fear was, he replied:

“Bad things happening to my loved ones.”

If he could change one thing about the world…

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According to Boris, if he could click his fingers and change anything in the world…

He said:

“I’d end war and want and intolerance and injustice …”

Ironic coming from a man who’s known for his intolerant views on foreigners…

Boris the runner…

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We’ve all seen the pictures of Boris running in his gym gear…a sight most of us don’t want to see first thing in the morning..

“If you go for a run in the morning, nothing can get worse. You’ve got the bad bit out of the way.”

His view on becoming Prime Minister…

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When asked what his chances were of becoming the next Prime Minister (back in 2016)…

BJ the wannabe PM…

He replied in typical Boris fashion:

‘My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.’

He’s a shady character…

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In 1990, during a taped phone call, Boris was heard giving old Bullingdon Club friend Darius Guppy, the address of a journalist who had been investigating his family.

The recording features Guppy saying:

“Boris, this guy has got my blood up and there is nothing I won’t do to get my revenge.” 

Stirring the pot…

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Johnson replies:

“Uh, how badly are you going to hurt this guy?” When Guppy answers “not badly at all”…

Johnson adds:

“If this guy is seriously hurt I will be f***ing furious.”

For such a well-educated man, our Boris could be considered a bit of a moron, couldn’t he…

He definitely doesn’t mince is words…

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When asked why he hasn’t visited New York for a while, Johnson said it was because of…

But we thought he loved the POTUS?!…

“the real risk of meeting Donald Trump” and said Hillary Clinton looked like “a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital”.

Boris the linguist…

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It’s quite a well-known fact that Boris has a love for Latin, but it turns out, he also speaks fluent French.

He also has good knowledge of Italian; however, Boris could be telling porky pies again…

Boris the bullsh*tter more like…

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The Guardian reported that Johnson struggled to give a reply to an MP in Italian last year.

Boris struggled to reply to the MP, suggesting he needs to get a bit more practise.

His best friends in school…

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Although school reports complained of his idleness, complacency and lateness, Boris established himself as a well-known figure at school.

Best friends with Princess Diana’s brother…

His friends were mainly from wealthy upper-middle-class families and his best friends were Darius Guppy and Charles Spencer (the late Princess Diana’s brother).

‘Aut homo aut maus’?

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One of Boris’ favourite phrases is ‘Aut homo aut maus’ – which translates from Latin to English as…

‘Are you a man or a mouse?’ – See above ‘gif’ ^^^.

He looks more like a giant oversized mouse than any man I’ve ever seen.

Boris and the Turkish president…

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Now, Boris is well-known for his cringe-worthy gaffes, but this one takes the biscuit – in a poem – which won him £1,000 – he implied Recep Tayyip Erdoğan was fond of having sex with…goats.

Here’s the limerick in all it’s glory…

“There was a young fellow from Ankara, Who was a terrific w*nkerer.

Recep the Goat groomer…

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“Till he sowed his wild oats, With the help of a goat, But he didn’t even stop to thankera.”