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1. Twice the visit.
“I had a coworker who took time off because his father passed away. He had to go up to Maine to attend the funeral.
Six months later he asked for time off for his father’s burial.
I asked, “I don’t want to be rude, but didn’t your father already die? You can’t use that excuse twice.”
“My father passed away during winter when it is too cold to dig a hole in the ground. We had to keep his body in the morgue and wait for spring.”
Then he told me that in some places they pre-dig holes and delayed burials only happened if they ran out of holes. Adding, “But sometimes you can’t foresee these things. Right?””
“A couple years ago, the accounting firm where I work hired a girl and she ended up quitting only a couple months later.
She told us that she had to quit because God had called her to work for her church.
Later LinkedIn informed us that she in fact had gone to work for another firm.”
“I once called in sick with “Irish potato famine.”
I’m sure you are wondering how my boss took that.
Fortunately, he had read the same Mad Magazine article I had – that jokingly suggested calling in with that, specifically saying “you have a lot of guts calling in sick with Irish potato famine.”
I was instantly relieved when he replied “Ordover, you have a lot of guts calling in sick with that!””
“I met this women on my trip to California.
She said her doctor told her she needed more Vitamin D, so she had to take days off every now and then to go to the beach.”
“While working in an account firm, we had a very senior partner visiting us from other city for a day. Our team was relatively new and being in a small city the staff strength was too small. We were only 4 members at that time. Entire team was requested to be in office at a particular time for our meeting with the partner.
One team member did not reach on time. We waited patiently for half hour and then the partner lost his patience. We started calling the person. He disconnected all his calls and reached office 2 hours after the scheduled time.
On asking for his reason, he said his android system was getting upgraded so he could neither pick calls nor disconnect from his wi-fi network at home.”
“I was living with a man who I now think had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. (He was never diagnosed though.)
Bit by bit I found out he was telling a huge amount of lies and I confronted him about that.
“95 percent of what I say, is true”, he said in his defence.
How do you respond to that!”
“On a training course about 10 years ago one of the attendees rocked in about 15 minutes late for the 8am start.
“Apologies for being late, I was milking my cow”
I even blurted out “that’s the most original excuse I’ve ever heard”
8. Car crash.
“I was 16, and I’d just set up a date with a girl I’d had a huge crush on for several years. I was ecstatic. Finally, I would get to experience this weird and wonderful world known as ‘dating’!
The day before our date I sat down with my sister to grill her about etiquette and expectations. Would this girl be expecting a kiss? Should I hold the door open? How do I know if she gets uncomfortable? I spent hours the day before the date agonizing over every detail. I would not mess this up. This was my shot, my moment, my opportunity to transcend my antisocial reputation…
Then, I get this text: “Sorry, I can’t go out tomorrow. A guy crashed his car through our fence and we’re trying to get it fixed. I’m the only one who speaks Spanish so they need me here.”
Only years later did I question why the “Spanish” contractors were doing work at 8PM on a Saturday in October…”
“As a military officer, I had one of my best enlisted test positive for drugs. What was weird was the reported level in his urine. It was barely over the minimum detectable level, and usually the reported level is hundreds of times the minimum, if not more. So, I’m told to investigate the case. I say, “David, you’re one of my best sailors, why are you screwing up your life?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it”
“I have to report something to the Captain. Now I hope we can convince him to not throw the book at you”
“Well, my girlfriend does it. She sprinkles some on her (genitals) when I (perform oral sex) on her”