We’re a pretty awkward nation aren’t we when you think about it. Most of us are too polite to moan about something so we just keep everything to ourselves. Of course, this is stereotyping a bit isn’t it, not all of us are like that, but as a whole, we’re are a bunch of awkward sods. We’ve all said something that we absolutely DO NOT mean. Here are 30 very British sentences that we hear daily, that don’t actually have the same meaning behind them. How many can you relate to?
1. “Fancy going out for a few?”
Would you like to come and get absolutely rat-arsed with me until 4 am and wake up with kebab next to you and sauce up your nose?
Would you like to drink into oblivion until you don’t know what your own name is just to drown our sorrows about how sh*t our jobs are?
2. “He’s lovely, once you get to know him.”
He’s an arsehole in other words. He’s an absolute be*lend, you’ll never like him & i’m not sure why I do to be honest, basically.
3. “It got a bit messy last night.”
I ended up downing 2 bottles of wine before I stepped foot out of my front door, chewed the taxi drivers ears off, threw up in the back of the cab, danced about town like a tw*t, woke up in my front garden with a traffic cone and a wet floor sign next to me.
4. “I’m knackered today.”
I’m hungover in other words but don’t want to tell people because it’s only Tuesday and people will judge me for going out for happy hour cocktails on a Monday night with my work colleague that rang in sick and I have to pretend that I’m feeling absolutely fine.
5. “Anyway, we will have to do something together soon.”
Please f*ck off and don’t contact me ever ever again you’re the most boring person I have ever had the displeasure to meet but I can’t say that to you because you’re actually really nice.
6. “I’ll pop round soon for a brew and catch up.”
You’re never going to see me again and if I ever see you I’ll be ducking and hiding behind every object I can find, just to dodge you because thats what you do when you have to pretend to like someone because they’ve done nothing wrong to you, you’re just a grump, mean spirited tw*t.
7. “It’s fine, I understand.”
You’re a f*cking idiot, we are no longer friends. Please go away, don’t speak to me ever again but I also want you to give me loads of attention, apologise profusely and beg me to not fall out with you.
8. “I need to start being healthy.”
I need to stop eating 3 takeaways a week and going to Greggs every day for my lunch. I also need to stop downing pints of beer like they’re going out of fashion and then eating a large portion of chips & cheese WITH a kebab every Friday night.
9. “Sorry, I’m going to the gym.”
I’m going to sit on my arse and watch 10 episodes of Friends in a row and then sit & think about what a lazy piece of sh*t you are before gauging on chocolate and crisps in bed.
10. “It rings a bell…”
Don’t have a clue what you’re on about love and to be honest, I don’t really care.
11. “It was alright, but I wouldn’t come here again.”
The restaurant was absolute sh*te. Dog food would have tasted better than what I just put in my mouth, never go there, ever. You may as well just burn your cash.
12. “I’m not being funny….”
I’m about to rip into you, you massive kn*b. Be prepared for an arse whooping because what you just said has really annoyed be & I don’t feel like realise how much of a pr*ck you’re being.
13. “Ahhh, I’m not explaining this well am I!”
LISTEN TO ME PROPERLY YOU MORON. HOW CAN YOU NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING TO YOU!!!!??? IT’S SO SIMPLE YOU IRRITATING CRETIN. A FIVE-YEAR-OLD HAS MORE CHANCE OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I’M SAYING THAN YOU.
14. “Can I have a quick word with you?”
You are about to get the b*llocking of your life pal. Be prepared, I hope you have your tissues at the ready.
15. “Don’t panic.”
PANIC PANIC PANIC.
16. “Let’s agree to disagree.”
I will never ever admit defeat to you even if you are right, so please just f*ck off away from me so I can sit and sulk for a while.
17. “Let’s just be friends.”
I now think you’re a d*ckhead and know that everytime I smile at you, it’s all fake. If only looks could kill….
18. “I didn’t see you there!”
I was actually trying my hardest to dodge you but oh well, let’s just get this awkward small talk out of the way & then get on with our own lives.
19. “Only if you’re making yourself one.”
Make me a brew now you peasant.
20. “It’s up to you.”
If you don’t pick the one I want I’m going to have the serious hump. Do what I’m telling you.
21. “I really don’t mind.”
FFS why have I not just said what I want?
22. “I’m fine.”
No, I’m really not but I don’t want to moan like a child so I’ll just make sure you know you will pay for this and I will bring the mood of the room down for the rest of the day 🙂 🙂 🙂
23. “I got a bit tipsy last night.”
I ended up getting thrown out of my local, stumbling home and having a fight with a plant pot.
And now I’m lay in bed thinking of ways to stop my body from hurting so much.
24. “Fancy having a barbecue this weekend?”
Fancy a piss up in my garden under a huge brolly whilst it pisses down with rain.
25. “It’s not quite what I had in mind, but oh well.”
You’ve ruined my day you idiot. That’s not what I wanted at all you incompetent fool.
26. “I’m staying sober for a while now.”
I’m not drinking today, I’ll probably be pissed tomorrow though and I’ll almost certainly be steaming on Friday without a doubt.
27. “Yes, it looks lovely, thanks.”
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR WOMAN!?!??!! I asked for a trim, not the Phil Mitchell look and now I have to pretend I love it or else I look like a dick complaining.
28. “I’ll see how I feel on the day.”
I’m almost definitely not coming. In fact, I have no intention of coming I’m just letting you down gently.
29. “Oh well, it could be worse.”
It really couldn’t, this is possibly the worst outcome in this situation. Get me out of this situation immediately, me don’t like it,
30. “I’ll sort it out for you.”
On the 31st of February.