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We all have big nights out from time to time, and they’re probably always for different special occasions, like birthdays and Christmas, but the same things seem to happen every single time.
1. You round up the gang.
Everyone is everywhere, but no one gets left behind. There’s always that one good friend that doesn’t get as drunk as the others, who ends up being the mother hen and makes sure everyone gets home safe and sound.
2. Then there’s the cloakroom confusion.
You’ve lost your cloakroom ticket, you’re too pissed to see whats actually in your bag, you spend a good ten minutes arguing with the cloakroom attendant whilst rummaging around your bag in the desperate hope you will find your ticket. OR you stand and argue with the cloakroom attendant, telling them they’ve stolen your coat, even though you never went out with one.
3. The walk to the takeaway shop.
This is probably the most enjoyable time of the evening. You’ve spent the night getting pissed and dancing but now its time for the serious stuff. Now it’s time to get your hands on those delicious chips you’ve been thinking about all night that will be covered in cheese and sprinkled with shit loads of salt and vinegar. If you’re really hungry, you’ll order two portions and pretend one of them is for your friend.
4. The drunken abuse.
When the nice guy behind the takeaway doesn’t give you your chips & cheese quickly enough, you’re left with no other option but to verbally abuse whilst shouting at him to hurry up. It’s not big, it’s not clever, but when someone gets in the way of a drunk person and chips & cheese, they’re basically asking to be shouted at.
5. Or the drunken flirtation.
If you’re a less aggressive and smarter drunk, you’ll go with the other technique and flirt your way to getting a free portion of chips or something. Despite looking like Chewbacca, you try your very best to work your magic with the takeaway man. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, depends on how creepy the takeaway guy is. He might throw in a free chicken wing if he’s feeling kind.
6. Freezing to death.
It’s that time of the night when you’ve all left the bar, you’ve found food & now you have to get all of your drunken arses into a taxi without leaving anyone behind or throwing up in it. If you’re outside a club, the chances of getting into an argument with another group of people over a taxi are usually very high. One of you usually ends up sprinting (when I say sprinting, I mean stumbling) across a road and diving into the back of the taxi to make sure you reserve the taxi for your friends and no one else.
7. The relationship you forge with your taxi driver.
You find out your taxi drivers name, how long he’s been married for his wife, how many kids he’s got, where he lives, basically anything and everything about them you can find out. And then you start to tell them your life story. That’s usually the friend at the front of the taxi whilst the others are, well, the others are on a different planet. One’s usually throwing up out of the window of the taxi whilst the other is asleep and the other one is talking to themselves about what they want to order from McDonald’s.
The bond you form with your taxi driver in a drunken state is like no other. You pour all your feelings out to a complete stranger in the front seat and expect them to play agony aunt and give you life-changing advice. They usually don’t and can’t wait for you to get out the taxi, but it’s so weird that when we’re not smashed we are the ones who can’t wait to be dropped off.
8. The Maccies run.
McDonald’s on the way home from town is a MUST. Whether you’ve already eaten in town or not makes no difference. Chicken nuggets are calling your name, you can almost smell the cheese bites from a mile off and all you can think about is getting your gnashers round a Big Mac. You’ve usually got to sweeten the taxi driver up before he agrees to take you around the drive-thru. Getting him some chips and a milkshake usually works a treat.
9. Distracting the taxi driver from your vomiting friend in the back.
You’re almost home, you’ve got your McDonald’s but you’ve got to keep the taxi driver distracted until you get out of the taxi so he doesn’t see the sick that’s dripping down the back door of his taxi. If you’re smart enough, one of you will pour some of your coke from Maccies down the door to give it a clean down to avoid getting a £50 charge.
10. The instant regret.
As soon as you get in, you decide to lay down whilst your other friends either start making food, throw up or start talking about life to each other. You have a small glimpse of what you’ve done with your hazy memory, but the true regret comes in the morning when you completely realise the events that happened last night. If you’re lucky enough to forget about the events of the previous night then it’s best not to get a reminder from your friends.
11. Cooking up a storm.
If by chance you haven’t been to the takeaway or been to maccies then this is the time of the night when you decide that it’d be great to make some homemade chips and cheese. Maybe even an omelette if you’re feeling healthy. Most likely you aren’t and you singe an oven pizza or burn some toast and set a fire alarm off. Classic.
12. Wondering if your other friends made it home alive.
You don’t always end up going home together after every night out, sometimes you have to leave some of them to keep going in the taxi with the driver that smelt like feet and looked like he kidnapped puppies in his spare time. Sometimes you sit and wonder why they aren’t answering their phone or why they’ve left you a voicemail saying they’ve got out of the taxi a mile away from home & they’ve made some new friends along the way.
13. Drinking water like it’s going out of fashion.
You always pat yourself on the back when you remembered to drink that pint of water the night before. But you always still wake up with a mouth as dry as Gandhi’s flip-flop.
14. The slow and steady stream of photos.
You slowly but surely start to receive all of the photos that were taken that night, cringing at some of the poses you actually did in public.
15. You start to think about your behaviour throughout the night.
The beer fear starts to kick in and that’s before you’ve even slept and woken back up. You start to think about the full force of your future hangover, you start to regret all of those shots you downed before 11 pm. You start to wonder if anyone would notice if you just packed your bags and left the country for a while.